‘This year’s crop of literary creations features the grittiest crime, fantasy and romantic writing from some of the best imaginations ever to escort a witness down a police station staircase,’ said chairman of judges, Jeffrey Archer. ‘Like the very best fiction, the reader is left wondering how such a series of events could ever have come to pass and yet at the same time cannot but admire the skill and the audacity of the authors for successfully carrying it off.’
Ever since Sergeant Mark Smyth of Brixton borough command won gold in 1962 for his brilliant short story Who I Did On My Holidays, the Police Creative Writing Awards – sponsored by Walls Sausages and known in the publishing business as the ‘Porkies’ – have been a mainstay of the literary calendar. In their 50th year, the Porkies this year features works which the panel says ‘really push the boundaries of imaginative writing’.
‘In the romantic fiction section, look out for Blue Beauty, a far-fetched story of a police horse, a red-haired temptress, a red-faced politician and a red-top newspaper,’ continued Archer. ‘And the hot tip in the children’s category is Mr Whippy Gets Cross, the story of an ice-cream salesman who tries to drive his ice-cream van into Downing Street. He gets so hot under the collar all his lollies melt and he’s in big trouble with his boss, until some kind police officers remind him to be polite and he cools down and says sorry.’
But at last night’s awards ceremony, it was a much-fêted collaboration that scooped the coveted Golden Porkie. ‘The winning tale is the product of a massive creative writing workshop, with literally hundreds of officers getting together to create a rambling but apparently plausible work of football fiction,’ announced Archer. ‘It’s a thumping good read and comes from the multiple notebooks of the same team who brought us the outlandish fantasy Orgreave, in which a group of brave, blue-clad knights battled a clan of wily underground cave-workers who were holding the country to ransom.’
The award to South Yorkshire Police was collected by disgraced former chief constable Norman Bettison. His next literary project is said to be a substantial re-writing of his Wikipedia entry.