Mild-mannered reporter’s lack of superpowers leads to woman’s death

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a woman falling to her death

A local reporter from the Sheffield Telegraph is being blamed for the death of a 23-year-old woman after his complete absence of superpowers saw him fail to perform a last-minute heroic rescue.

Paul Jenkins, a rookie reporter in his first job in the industry, was on the scene shortly before the woman jumped to her death, but appeared to lack any amazing powers despite being both mild-mannered and looking a bit geeky.

‘There was this girl stood on top of a multi-storey car park saying she was going to jump. The police were trying to talk her down and a crowd had gathered to watch,’ said one disappointed eyewitness. ‘I’d noticed this bloke who seemed to be a reporter but he wasn’t as brash and pushy as a lot of them, and he was wearing glasses, which seemed odd.’

‘The next time I turned around there was no sign of him. I immediately thought ‘here we go, about to see an heroic rescue, this’ll be something to tell the grandkids’, so I got out my phone and started filming.’

The resulting footage of the girl plummeting seven stories to her death has left the man’s grandchildren severely traumatised, and he claims the reporter’s lack of superpowers is squarely to blame. ‘If that bloke had re-appeared at the last minute and flown past wearing a cape, catching her just before she hit the ground head-first and giving her a reason to live, then Charlie and Jo would never have had to watch the footage on a 50-inch widescreen TV. In super slow motion. He ought to be locked up.’

Other witnesses have also expressed their disgust at Paul’s failure to perform a last-second intervention, especially as some of them had seen him head into a phone box and then reappear without his glasses on. But he insists he is not to blame.

‘I really don’t see how this is my fault. Yes, I took my glasses off and changed into contact lenses. I did it because I fancied the reporter from the local news who was there and my glasses make me look like a nerd,’ complained Mr Jenkins. ‘And I did go into a phone box just before she jumped, but only to try and hack into her voicemail.’

Vertically Challenged Giant (hat-tips to button and waylandsmithy)

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Posted: Jan 4th, 2013 by

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