British surgeons who have given a man a pioneering hand transplant have been hailed as heroes by teenage boys up and down the country.
‘I can lose up to 60 hours a year sitting on my hand to make it numb and feel like someone else’s,’ said serial masturbator 17-year-old Nic Ireland. ‘A transplant will not only save time, but if I could have a woman’s hand I won’t need to paint my nails every time.’
Previous medical experiments had included the implant of a bionic hand, but the long-term results were disappointing. ‘It felt like I was like being tossed off by Edward Scissor-hands,’ said one trial patient. ‘I was so upset. In fact I was in pieces.’
Psychologists have warned men against having the procedure without careful consideration. ‘We’d recommend more traditional methods of creating the feeling of someone else touching your penis,’ said one. ‘Such as actually getting someone else to touch your penis.’