A woman from Harlow has seen all feelings of warmth and friendship for a childhood friend corrode into disdain, disgust and hatred due to his incessant inane and pompous Facebook updates. ‘I’ve known Ben since I was eight, and have always enjoyed a trip to the pub with him,’ explained Stephanie Crowe, 27. ‘But ever since I’ve been looking at his Facebook page I can’t even look at him face to face without wanting to glass the up-his-own-arse fucker. See how he’d like to ‘share’ checking in to local A & E with 314 of his closest friends and family.’
Ben Simm’s offences are said to include expressing pseudo-sincere concern for repressed bloggers in countries he couldn’t even locate on a Lonely Planet ‘Places I Pretend I’d love to Visit One Day’ app, posting iPhone photos of ‘well, anything’, and taking football news from BBC Sport much too seriously.
But most of Crowe’s venom is reserved for the updates that express Simm’s love and admiration for his wife. ‘Yes they may well have gone to the Fat Duck, but he neglected to mention they only went to try and patch things up after she shagged the barman at her local karaoke. He didn’t mention he hasn’t been able to get it up for two years either, which might explain a few things and all.’
But Crowe is not restricting her bile to people on Facebook she knows well, identifying a much wider circle of Facebook friends who cause her pelvic floor to tighten in fury and disgust. ‘Vague acquaintances who think they’re an intellectual match for Stephen Fucking Fry because they know some basic grammar and can spot when some other halfwit has used it incorrectly, they can fuck right off. Oh and Stephen Fucking Fry too, but that’s more of a Twitter loathing, and I don’t really want to get distracted from the cockwittery of Facebook users. And their pets. Their stupid, stupid, stupid pets.’
When suggested to Crowe that much of the rage in her life could be alleviated by simply not using the social network, the healthcare worker sighed and admitted that she’s not sure there’s an aspect of her personality left that isn’t fed by the hatred of others on the internet.
‘Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the idea that one day I’ll see that fanny-dribble Simms’ profile frozen as an In Memoriam page,’ she confessed, ‘Stephanie will really fucking like that.’