Ulrika Jonsson and Vinnie Jones are to front a new Channel 5 reality show Skivers Vs Strivers, which the programme makers say ‘pits disgruntled middle-income worker drones against feckless benefits sponges’.
In light of government deregulation of televised homicide – as part of an ongoing reform of the welfare system – 10 contestants will be dropped onto the Isle of Arran, where they will murder each other until only one survives. The winner will then be able to choose their prize from a range of universal credits.
Pundits have already dubbed the show ‘It’s A Knockout meets Ford Boyard meets Big Brother… with machetes’.
Cage fighting gland Alex Reed will provide gladiatorial support for the Skivers, whilst a similar role for the Strivers will be undertaken by survivalist nutsac Bear Grylls.
TV critic Baz Dalyrymple is one of many who believe the contest to be hopelessly one-sided. He says: ‘The Strivers will have no trouble constructing man-traps, harnessing the venom of poisonous plants and animals and manufacturing their own blowpipes.
‘The Skivers on the other hand will be expecting someone to make a crossbow for them, being only equipped with the skills required to kick in the windows at JJB Sports before legging it. On the other hand their speed combined with their ability to carry ten times their own weight in HDTV’s may give them some advantage.’
Channel 5’s director of class warfare Don Briggs denies these claims and says the deathmatch will be perfectly balanced: ‘Please can we give the scum some credit. For example, blind people, declared fit to compete by Atos, will be able to smell and hear the gainfully employed approaching due to their remaining senses being heightened.
‘Let’s not forget that these workers spend a large portion of the day on Facebook, having pornographic daydreams or downloading apps for their Smartphone. Their everyday lives are as pointless and futile as those of the disabled and the illiterate.
‘By giving both sides the opportunity to bludgeon the living shit out of each other we provide a mindless solution to society’s problems, and hopefully a good hour of vicarious entertainment. Everyone’s a winner, although of course, not literally. That would be stupid.’