A £37.5bn plan to make rail travellers more comfortable by putting them all on buses has been announced by Network Rail. The plan will cover the five years up to 2019 and will see more trains than ever cancelled with passengers put on nice, comfy new buses instead.
‘The rail network is a very old system in need of serious investment and regeneration.’ said Network Rail chief executive David Higgins, ‘But that feels like a lot of work, so we’ve decided to buy a load of buses instead and pile everybody onto them.’
‘This plan can only go ahead if we achieve significant cost savings, by not running any trains at all, and also continue with above inflation fare rises.’ continued Mr Higgins, ‘People always seem happy to see the words ‘replacement bus service’ though and I’m sure they’ll be happy for all their journeys to take three times as long, and to continue to pay extortionate rates for a service we regularly fail to provide.’
Vince Cables Gran