Utterly useless courier business Yodel is to offer customers who missed their first delivery the choice of spring, summer, autumn or winter for Yodel to attempt the delivery again. ‘It’s about restructuring performance to more accurately reflect the low expectations of customers who never chose us in the first place,’ commented Yodel’s head of tardiness, Brett Holland.
Mr Holland is responsible for improving perceptions of the Yodel brand from ‘I have seriously fucking had it with those Yodel bastards’ to ‘What about if I drive to where you keep your vans? Would that help?’
Frequent online shopper Daphne Todd cautiously welcomed the new redelivery option. ‘Several months back I waited in all day for a Yodel delivery from Amazon. I tried to keep my eyes forced open with matches, so as not to miss them, but when the discomfort became too much I had to blink. On reopening my eyes there was a green and white ‘you were out’ card sticking out of my letterbox, with some indecipherable handwriting on it that looked like it had been written by someone without any hands.
‘I’m yet to arrange a successful redelivery, despite spending all of November and December living in a tent on my doorstep, taking amphetamines to stay awake and soiling myself in order to avoid visiting the toilet. If Yodel can absolutely guarantee delivery this spring, I’m prepared to remain housebound between March and May if that’s what it takes to finally get the Christmas presents I ordered for the grandchildren.’
‘Just to clarify,’ corrected Mr Holland, ‘it will be either spring or summer. We can’t commit to a particular season.’
Dusty Bin Laden