Hell to adopt austerity measures

Satan has today issued a press release warning that austerity measures might compromise the quality and severity of punishments in hell.

Costcutting measures have included halving the number of full-time employed demons tormenting sinners and turning down the thermostat from ‘burning’ to ‘a bit too hot’ to save on energy costs. The Prince of Darkness announced ‘I have been forced to downgrade Hell from the top venue for eternal damnation that really frightens the shit out of the faithful into a lukewarm, slightly rubbish place resembling a council run gym, where JLS blares out of the sound system and instructors are doing everything they can to help you put your back out.’

Satan also admitted to having outsourced aspects of eternal torment to politicians and financiers who have devised cheaper, albeit mundane strategies to make life a misery for everyone, everywhere, on the advice of his great friend Rupert Murdoch.

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Posted: Jan 14th, 2013 by

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