Communities Secretary Eric Pickles will become a haven for European immigrants, if plans to moor him as an artificial island become reality. The buoyant politician has already received a sea-worthiness certificate, and could soon provide a home for up to four migrants off the coast of Clacton.
‘The PM has presented me with a set of hand-woven underpants, featuring my new crest of a gypsy eating a swan’, beamed Pickles. ‘I’m prepared to do what’s necessary to welcome my new community: if I float on my front, they can keep themselves warm in my luxuriant back hair.’
Pickles has not yet decided whether or not to apply for full EU membership, but if he does, he may struggle to meet their exacting regulations on marine pollution. ‘That’s not an oil slick, it’s just a spot of gravy seeping from my belly button’, he insisted.
Pickles has been pencilled in on navigation charts and can be seen on Google Earth, proving the lie to claims that no man is an island. But the politician admits he isn’t entirely comfortable with how he’s flagged to passing ships: ‘When I agreed to having a pole in my arse, I didn’t think they meant a firm young man called Zygmunt Nowak.’