The school will be run by parents and guardians who have experienced tough benefit cuts, criminal convictions or generational education deprivation. They will be joined by two hard pressed charities, Barnardos and The Cat (burglars) Protection League.
Head teacher and former nonce, Alan Kincade, said ‘We will be offering children a broad based and balanced curriculum to reflect current times and the special needs of our community. Modules will include ‘Living without Benefits’ where pick-pocketing techniques and regular excursions into the West End will give boys and girls appropriate work experience. ‘Getting into Business’ will allow pupils to work towards Level 1 qualifications, with setting up prostitution networks and pimping-for-profit being key elements of the course.’
A special school shop will offer a range of goodies from small clear plastic bags to skeleton keys and branded knuckle-dusters. A school-based extortion racket will also help to siphon off any funds.
Education Secretary Michael Gove said ‘The Fagin Free School is a wonderful template for cash strapped parents who would like to open similar schools up and down the country, especially those in inner cities where young people need direction. It fits in entirely with Conservative ideals for free enterprise and independence. It is a flagship example of how the Big Society brings like-minded groups together to work towards decent Victorian values.’
As well as full-time teachers with long term legal expertise, Chemistry and Horticulture ‘Supply’ teachers will be introducing cannabis and Class A drugs into the educational mix to enable students and staff to chill-out when necessary.
School governor, Stuart Henderson from Hackney is very excited about the forthcoming opening of the Fagin Free School next September. ‘I haven’t worked since 2010 after falling arse over tit off a fucking ladder and through a bastard greenhouse in a bungled burglary. As a governor and mentor I’m looking forward to passing on my expertise and setting young people off on the right road or dark alley. I’ll also be advising on injury compensation claims.’
A spokesman for co-founders Barnardo’s said, ‘Our income has been severely hit since the Coalition came into power so getting into education and putting vulnerable kids back on the street under the direction of the Fagin Free School is a great step forward. We’ve also got plans for a special vocational course in chimney-sweeping but some of the obsese kids will have to be starved first.’
A public meeting is to be held in the Noose and Gibbet, Hackney in February for interested parents and pupils.