Chelsea’s misfiring striker is being broken up and sold for parts, according to Brian Barnes, the club’s accountant.
‘Having had the player valued, during our annual stocktaking, we found he was worth a mere fraction of the £50,000,000 we paid for him two years ago,’ said Barnes. ‘He hasn’t just gone rusty, his performance is nothing like it was, and frankly he’s ready for the scrapheap.’
‘We feel our best chance of recouping some of the money is to sell the player off in bits, starting with the most valuable. His bottle-blonde hair – enough to stuff a pair of scatter cushions – could make up to £15 at auction and his right foot may make even more: one of Roman Abramovich’s business associates is looking for a door-stop’.
‘And if nothing else, there’s always the Premier League Star scrappage scheme,’ concluded Mr Barnes. ‘We could get £500 for trading him in which we’d set against a brand new player from the Arsenal under 13s. No-one would notice the difference.’
Tripod (hat-tip to Midfield Diamond)