Lancashire police have launched a murder investigation after the gruesome discovery of a sackful of amputated snowmen’s noses in the stock room of a Skelmersdale greengrocer.
Detectives believe that the perpetrators were intending to sell the severed appendages on the black market. ‘Sickeningly, we have evidence to believe that these noses are being cooked and eaten by an organised network of nearly 62 million individuals across the country,’ said a police spokesman.
The accused greengrocer was not acting alone, prosecutors have alleged. The spokesman confirmed that a local coal merchant has been arrested and is being questioned about a collection of snowman eyes. ‘We have reason to believe that these eyes, once scooped out of the icy sockets of the unfortunate victims, are being burnt for some indeterminate purpose, usually by criminal pensioners.’ Meanwhile, in a related development, dozens of damp hats, scarves and gloves have been taken away for DNA testing.
Police are confident that further evidence will be forthcoming. ‘We’re sure that the bodies will be found – it’s not like they can simply melt away in the sunshine.’
apepper, with nods to Madjez and squudge