Investigators have announced the discovery of the fragments of Chris Huhne’s moral compass under a car park in Southwark. The remains were apparently buried at the site ten years ago when the MP convinced his wife to take points on her driving licence for a speeding offence committed by him.
‘The pieces of Mr Huhne’s moral compass were discovered in a sorry state,’ said team leader Dr James McKenzie. ‘We believe that it had suffered some superficial damage at the time of the offence, but the more he spoke about the matter the more lethal the injuries became.’
Analysis suggests that the fatal blow was probably delivered by a text message from his son. The painstaking job of trying to reassemble the remains into something resembling a moral compass will begin shortly after sentencing. The search will then resume at the site for Huhne’s dignity, which is thought to have been lost at about the same time.
Huhne has admitted that if his morality is restored to something near its original state, he will no longer have the qualities of a Lib Dem in government and has therefore stood down. This has led to a by-election in his constituency in which more morals will be buried under canvassing leaflets. Nigel Farage has ruled out standing but promised to snipe from the comfortable sideline position of leaving his values in Europe.
Nick Clegg said that he was deeply ‘shocked and saddened’ by Huhne’s guilty plea in court. ‘When we came into power, it was a part of the coalition agreement that we would forget about our lost morality. By admitting his guilt, he has shown himself to be unfit for government.’
Prime Minister David Cameron has criticised the press for conducting a witch hunt for politicians’ moral compasses. ‘They have even been pestering me to have a dig in the Rose Garden at Number Ten,’ he said. ‘But they won’t find anything. OK, I removed Clegg’s backbone, but I had aides bury it safely under a car park in Leicester.’