The three main parties have today made the surprise announcement that they do not intend to field candidates at the next Eastleigh by-election, on superstitious grounds, because the previous MPs have all fallen from their seats in harrowing circumstances. Some believe that an ancient voodoo curse hangs over the town, generally believed to be in Hampshire or somewhere like that.
Experts have confirmed the most recent victim as Chris Huhne, who suffered a vicious stab in the back from his chattel. The previous incumbent, Stephen Milligan, was reportedly ensnared in some form of stranglewank-with-added-Vitamin-C device.
Evidence of pagan ceremonies has been reported, with garlands and tributes being draped over a certain speed camera on the M11. Police are examining grainy CCTV evidence that suggests that a cowled figure bearing an uncanny resemblance to Nigel Farage was seen prancing in the vicinity.