Water cost rise blamed on fake tan glut
The increasing cost of water to consumers is being blamed on the huge volume of fake tan in Britain’s water supply leaving treatment plants struggling to cope, according to a report by the utilities companies. Some parts of Liverpool now appear to have Tango on tap, but consumers have complained that it ‘tastes worse than Irn Bru’.
Campaigners are demanding that celebrities shower less often, or at least sand the brightest patches into a bin first. ‘Environmentally speaking, the Beckhams are a disaster’, complained Justin Hodge of pressure group ‘Squash It’. ‘The sewers under their house must look like Heinz dirty protest-shaped spaghetti. When that lot reaches the filter beds, the staff have to splash about scooping the most fluorescent bits out with nets.’
Protests by the group are already improving the quality of our water and the Beckhams recently took steps to lessen their own orange footprints. ‘By moving to France, the pair have offset their pollutants,’ explained Hodge. ‘For some reason, Paris never struggles to deal with its bath water, although the man I spoke to at the French Ministry of the Environment did have to go and look the phrase up in a book.’
Meanwhile in Britain, desperate measures are being trialled to try and turn the tide of tap-water tangerinisation. With young girls and women from Newcastle to Knightsbridge particularly at risk, the official advice is to only drink something from the other end of the colour spectrum, such as Blue WKD, green tea or screenwash.
Environment Secretary Owen Paterson has promised to deal with the problem ‘at sauce’, by sending armed troops to guard Clinique laboratories and warehouses. ‘For now, we’ve stemmed the cause of pollution, but we need to mount a mopping up operation’, he said.
Nonetheless, Paterson is optimistic, having just revealed a secret weapon in the battle, which can absorb gallons of fake tan through its unusually thick skin. ‘We’re just going to get Simon Cowell to roll around in it for a bit.’
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Posted: Feb 6th, 2013 by waylandsmithy
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