From April 2016 every woman in England will have to microchip their male counterpart or face prosecution, say local authorities. The move is aimed at cutting the number of stray men found wandering aimlessly around shopping centres on Saturday afternoons.
A pizza-sized chip, encrypted with the man’s name, address and the current whereabouts of his keys, will be inserted into each buttock, thus by-passing the need for rescue services to engage him in unintelligible conversation and enabling authorities to reunite stray males with their owners before they become a burden on charities.
About 200,000 men each week are reported lost or inebriated or are abandoned by their partners every week. The hope is the scheme will help get men off the streets and back on their sofas in time for Match of the Day.