North London school admits ‘altitude gerrymandering’ to justify 4×4 school-runs
Jealous environmentalists have launched a scathing attack on a new North London school, after it was built precariously on the summit of an imported Welsh foot-hill.
The snow-capped centre of learning has been criticised by OFSTED for being ‘completely at odds with a dense urban environment’. But school-run parents are beating a tortuous path to the high-altitude school’s gates, having finally found an excuse to own 4x4s that few could argue with.
St. Etna’s School for Boys is so badly located it has its own micro-climate. That’s all part of the appeal, according to architect Jeremy Copsthwaite. “The headmaster insisted on a building accessible to only the most powerful and showy 4x4s.”
“It’s called ‘positive discrimination’. If you can’t afford an Audi Q7 or Porsche Cayenne, we’re positive your child wouldn’t fit in up here anyway.”
Keen to separate proper status symbols from lowly medium-sized farm machinery, Copsthwaite has designed a driveway that’s a challenging mixture of muddy gullies, boulders and a 1/4 mile sprint.
“The commute ensures pupils arrive in vehicles that are as well-rounded as possible”, claimed Copsthwaite. “If you don’t complete the course in under 12 seconds we’ll release a hippy, to pelt you with his own filth.”
Copsthwaite believes that geography could be the last weapon in a school’s armoury of pupil selection. He’s convinced difficult terrain can deter even the thickest child.
“It’s pointless for competitive parents to complain about the verticality of a school”, agreed Copsthwaite. “That’s why I’m so pleased with my off-shore school for gifted young oligarchs – you can only get to that one by personal submarine.”
(hat-tip to the chat board, and apologies to Jeni B)
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Posted: Feb 8th, 2013 by waylandsmithy
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