NHS managers are congratulating after meeting their key performance target of 3,000 needless deaths over 365 days. The milestone was reached last Tuesday when pensioner Stan Mills died of thirst three days after vigilant carers moved his flower vase just out of reach. Mills had spent nearly a week occupying a bed desperately needed for other patients who were clamouring to die of severe neglect.
The NHS is now trialling a range of innovative ‘neglect’ measures designed to save even more money. For instance, hospital-bound ambulance crews will be told to park up for a few hours to remove the immediate need for expensive emergency room treatment.
In addition, because hospital meals have surprisingly been found to be actually prolonging the lives of patients, they will be phased out altogether. This will hopefully lead to what is known to hospital managers as ‘increased positive negative outcomes’.