Eastleigh by-election candidate advised public to ‘stick deckchairs up their noses’

has some serious deckchair-related questions to answer

Eastleigh by-election candidate John O’Farrell is again at the centre of a row following revelations that he once incited members of the public to perform acts that could only end in severe injury, including extracting your own wisdom teeth, disembowelling yourself with spears and, perhaps most damningly, sticking a deckchair up your nose.

The writer, criticised by Lord Tebbit and others last week for comments about the Brighton Bomb made 29 years ago, also called for citizens to commit identity fraud by pretending their name was Keith, and for everyone to buy jumbo-jets – a move that could only be funded by ‘eye-watering’ tax-hikes on hard-working families. Additionally, in yet another nod to political correctness, the Arapahoe language was to be added to the national curriculum.

Sources close to David Cameron have said that the Prime Minister is ‘disgusted’ by the revelations, and that although the tract was published over 25 years ago, it ‘yet again reveals the true nature of Labour’s plans for Britain.’ He did accept however that casseroling your gran was possibly the only way to be sure you aren’t eating horse these days.

Although not directly credited with the writing of the 1986 policy statement cryptically entitled The Chicken Song, O’Farrell has refused to apologise for his involvement with the think-tank that produced it, known at the time as Spitting Image. In fact, when asked about his time spent with the shadowy collective, he perversely admitted ‘a surge of pride’ with regard to his contribution to the ‘puppet government’ that advocated loony schemes such as climbing inside dogs and painting your left knee green.

Animal rights campaigners PETA has also slammed the author, with spokesperson Graham Martin pointing out that ‘holding a chicken in the air is likely to cause extreme distress to the bird, and I’m going to head down to Eastleigh to heckle Mr O’Farrell, just as soon as I’ve remembered where I buried my clothes.’

Mr Target, with hat-tips to The All New Jeni B and rickwestwell

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Posted: Feb 19th, 2013 by

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