NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

David Cameron launches star-studded apologising tour of the Commonwealth

grovelling little shitPrime Minister David Cameron has launched a major apologising tour of the Commonwealth with a gala performance in India, where he commemorated the 1919 Amritsar massacre with a critically acclaimed rendition of the Elton John classic ‘Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word’.

Speaking after his debut performance, Mr Cameron said: ‘It only seemed right to mark the Amritsar Massacre not with an apology, but with a fabulous homage to our musical heritage. Much more palatable.’

Mr Cameron’s star-studded entourage for the sell-out tour will include the usual assortment of arms dealers, carpetbaggers and bent ex-politicians. But this time he will be accompanied by influential figures from across the UK entertainment industry. ‘They’ll be Mr Cameron’s support acts as he heals old wounds across the former British Empire with torch songs and offers of lucrative theatrical collaborations,’ said a government spokesman.

Senior Bollywood star Aamir Khan, who was guest of honour at the opening night, praised Mr Cameron’s ‘musicality, if not his contrition’ and said: ‘I’ve never heard a more beautiful depiction of two hundred years of British policy towards India than Mr Cameron’s duet with Olly Murs of the Britney Spears anthem ‘Oops, I Did It Again’. It almost brought a tear to my eye.’

After last night’s barnstorming opener, tour organisers are planning further dates, including a stop in Europe where former Tory Chancellor Norman Lamont will perform the Edith Piaf classic Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien, while strapped to the front of a cannon in a sequinned burka.

In a surprise announcement Mr Cameron also announced plans for a new adaptation of Mamma Mia!, a musical celebration of the government’s involvement in kickbacks in a helicopter deal with Anglo-Italian company AgustaWestland, for which ‘we definitely won’t be apologising. Oh, and my great friend Cameron Macintosh has also indicated that we can use his chopper from Miss Saigon.’

The next leg of the tour takes the prime Minister to the Irish Republic where special performances of Easter Parade and Blood Brothers will take place outside the General Post Office as a sort of apology for events in 1916. In the meantime, Mr Cameron’s understudy and deputy prime minister, Nick Clegg, is said to be brushing up on his tap-dancing skills, concentrating on his speciality slip-and-side-step.

Share this story...

Send to a Friend:





Click to send this story to a friend

Posted: Feb 20th, 2013 by Dick Everyman

Click for more stories about: Arts/Entertainment