Over the next few days, you will be hearing a lot about the Eastleigh by-election. But what is a by-election and why do Eastleigh get one and not you? Don’t worry, your questions are answered in this… Idiots’ guide to the Eastleigh by-election
What is a by-election?
A by-election is like a general election, but only for people who elected someone with dubious moral standards the first time round. The term ‘by-election’ has caused some confusion in Eastleigh with the Conservative candidate hesitant to stand. ‘I am totally against gay marriage on bigoted grounds so the thought of having an election for Bisexuals is hard to swallow. However it turns out it’s a vote for anyone, so I will stand and fight for the swing voters’.
Where is Eastleigh?
A great question, that until recently not even all the candidates could answer. Eastleigh is in the county of Hampshire and is a short drive from Southampton. There have been some complaints that the Labour candidate would not be part of the community if elected. These fears were eased when the candidate promised to save Eastleigh on his TomTom and visit the town every night on Google maps.
Why does Eastleigh need a by-election?
As mentioned before, sometimes when people cast their vote in a general election, they chose the wrong answer. That’s exactly what happened in Eastleigh in 2010. The outgoing MP suffered from an amazing case of amnesia regarding speeding points he passed to his wife. Luckily for everyone involved, his son managed to jog his memory with the clinically approved treatment of threats. To try and boost their chance of success, the Lib Dem candidate has had a CRB check, and urged Nick Clegg to stay away.
What do the parties stand for?
This handy ‘one size fits all’ manifesto should make everything a lot clearer for you.
The [insert party name] believe that growth in the local economy is the key to success in [insert town]. If elected, [insert candidate name] will be the voice of local people at a national level. [Insert candidate name] and the [insert party name] have listened to the constituents on the doorstep and know that things are hard for people in the current economic climate, but [insert name] will do everything in their power to ensure real change for the residents of [insert town name].
So there is your brief guide to the Eastleigh by-election. For those that are eligible, go and cast your vote. For those who are not eligible, if you want a by-election of your very own, go and find some dirt on your current MP and force them to resign. It shouldn’t take too long.