It was a glittering evening at the Vatican last night as celebrity Cardinals from around the world gathered on the red carpet outside St Peter’s for the announcement of the coveted award of Best Pontiff 2013.
But as always, it was the dresses that caused the biggest sensation.
First up was Cardinal Peter Kodwo Appiah Turkson from Africa who wore classic red and white but with the typically individual, brazen, outlandish display of gold jewellery which has become his trademark. But commentators noted that his name is not easily translatable into Latin, forcing Vatican officials to deny that failed attempts to pronounce it constituted racism.
Mumblings in the crowd also re-ignited historic criticisms that there still wasn’t a category at all for best female in a leading role, and for several other cardinals the evening was a disaster, with many reduced to crying in the toilets after discovering that others had come along in the same outfit.
But on a happier note, best-adapted script was awarded jointly to every Cardinal in the conclave for the epic sin-flick ‘No contraception in the third world’ which has touched literally millions and led to huge and unexpected receipts in the box office.
Many Papparazzi also received an income boost as Cardinal Fleischman suffered a wardrobe malfunction when his penis slipped out in front of a choirboy, but the show was stolen by local darling, Cardinal Mazzavetto, who wore a cassock split to the thigh revealing his shapely, ecumenically approved legs, which he spread for added effect. The image instantly became a viral sensation, and he is now widely tipped at some future time to be the highest earning Pope in history.
As widely predicted, outgoing Pope Benedict received a lifetime achievement award for his subtle understating performances, particularly in uncompromising roles on issues which the viewing public really shouldn’t concern themselves about.
The decision on Best Pontiff, however, has yet to be announced as the Vatican feels that no-one has yet nailed the part. The feeling among the conclave is that to get a result the public can believe in, they need to be much more theatrical about it, probably using mirrors, and maybe some smoke in various colours. Even so, leading contenders are said to be ‘living and breathing the roles’ in preparation, often to the despair of their man-wives.
But there was still much cause for celebration. At the after-show parties which went on long into the night, all the cardinals took off their zucchettos and let their hair down, drank far too much communion wine and flirted outrageously with each other, sometimes to the point of inappropriate touching. Everyone agreed it was a real shame that Keith couldn’t make it this year.