The Almighty has admitted ‘snoozing’ during periods of the recently ended papacy ‘because he was bored with the arguments about cover ups over child abuse and the constant banging on about gay priests’. But in a surprising interview with Channel 4 News, the Lord has emphasised he’ll be on black coffees for the next twenty four hours ‘to keep the Lib Dems out at Eastleigh’.
‘I just can’t let them get away with all this fibbing about the wobbly bloke with the wandering hands. At least among friends Catholic priests are frank about liking dressing up and that,’ said God, ‘but these Lib Dems, what is it with them? Remember the bloke who had the other bloke’s dog killed? Jeremy something. It’ll come back to me. And all that stuff about tuition fees?’
‘Oh, hang on a minute,’ said God after some sort of epiphany. ‘That might let the Tories win and we all know what they get up to. Or Labour! Or UKIP!! On second thoughts, I’m going back to bed.’