The statue of Winston Churchill in Parliament Square declared: ‘Never in the field of human governance was so little done for so many by one mad old bat. This idea will get a big bronze V-sign from me.’
And the statue of Queen Victoria on College Green, Bristol was, unsurprisingly, heard to pronounce: ‘We are not amused’.
Even Cleopatra’s Needle, Victoria Embankment, London, was observed to wilt for several hours at the thought of a Thatcher statue, while the smiles disappeared from the faces of the statues of Morecambe and Wise on Morecambe promenade.
Londoner and living statue Stewart Lansbury once tried a stint as a Thatcher statue but gave up after an hour because, even though silent and motionless, it scared the shit out of small children and pensioners who were ‘there at the time’. Lansbury said he’d heard that Lord Nelson was seen to vomit marbles from his plinth in Trafalgar Square, causing a number of minor injuries to tourists below.
Despite Baroness Thatcher’s antipathy to the arts, some sculptors have expressed a cautious welcome to the idea of a statue in her name.
‘I don’t want to knock holes in the idea,’ said Jacob Bernstein, ‘but when Thatcher was prime minister she was always chipping away at the arts budgets. So now maybe we can do the same to her.’
The only stone-hewn effigy reported to approve of a Thatcher statue is that of Sir Arthur ‘Bomber’ Harris in the Strand. ‘But the motive for Harris’ support is unclear,’ said an RAF spokesman, ‘but it may have something to do with Dresden.’
‘Some people have expressed surprise at the reaction of the statues to a Thatcher statue,’ said Mr Lansbury, ‘But they have feelings, too, just like the people they are statues of. Do you think they’re made of marble or something?’