NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

Government now fears ‘extraterrestrial benefit spongers’

Aliens could claim child tax credits for children living outside the orbit of PlutoThe prospect of thousands of little green men signing on for JobSeeker’s Allowance at Jobcentres across the UK is forcing government ministers to tighten the rules for accessing welfare benefits.

The immigration think-tank MigrationWatch UK has predicted that next year ‘tens of thousands of sentient beings from other worlds will travel across light years of deep space to the UK to take advantage of our generous welfare benefit system – especially the up-to-£71 a week JSA’.

The government believes that an influx of aliens will leave a gaping black hole in the welfare benefits budget.

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith has ordered that ‘negative images portraying the Earth as a cold inhospitable lump of rock and the UK as little more than a swamp ruled by morons’ be beamed across the solar system to deter would-be extraterrestrial benefit tourists from showing up at Jobcentre Plus, Bradford.

But space analysts say the images are likely to backfire and encourage more ‘space invaders’ to the UK attracted by the prospect of inhospitable rock and swamp, and DLA (mobility).

A Daily Mail campaign is urging its readers to report any suspicious ‘flying-saucer like’ landings in their back gardens. ‘They will probably be concealing illegal migrants from somewhere or other in the solar system just here to scrounge or take our British jobs to send money back to their three-headed wives on Pluto,’ a Mail editorial raged.

The UK Border Agency said it was powerless to patrol entry to the UK from outer space and anyway it still had a backlog of 75,000 missing terrestrial migrant cases to process.

‘Well, we sent that Curiosity to Mars didn’t we, so why shouldn’t they come here? It’s the free movement of labour, and at least it’s green,’ said Guardian reader Ron Islington. While UKIP’s leader Nigel Farage said his party was opposed to open door migration and that included the sliding silver doors of alien space vehicles.

‘Of course, Iain Duncan Smith’s big mistake,’ said astrophysicist Dr Bill Braine, ‘was to call his new welfare benefit ‘universal”.

Share this story...

Send to a Friend:





Click to send this story to a friend

Posted: Mar 9th, 2013 by roybland

Tagged as: , , , , , , , , , ,

Click for more stories about: Politics