The dog breeding world has been rocked after the judge of the 2013 Crufts final wrote an article on his blog entitled ‘All dogs look the same to me’. Other judges have since confirmed that they too ‘just guess’ the winners.
The dog whistle blower, Mr Russell Jackson, wrote on his blog: ‘Who the hell could possibly choose between 200 identical black Labradors? If it wags its tail, woofs and doesn’t shit on the green carpet, then it’s a winner as far as I’m concerned.’
‘My approach to judging dogs is all a big show for the audience’, continued Mr Jackson. ‘I start by taking a quick look in the dog’s mouth just to check I’m judging from the right end. I then pat and squeeze the animal until I’m entirely satisfied that it is indeed a dog. It might seem like an obvious thing to check, but in the past I’ve seen goats, pigs and a furry cushion come through to me from the clueless regional judges. No one wants a repeat of the cushion incident, so all judges now include a quick fiddle with the dog’s arse to check for zips and that we’ve definitely got a live one.’
Mr Jackson went on to admit that he sometimes gives extra marks based on the owner’s dress sense, or who takes their dog for the most camp flounce around the show ring.
‘I remember back in the day when we could simply award the rosette to the dog with the most ridiculous Kennel Club name, but now they’ve all got idiotic names. Personally, I’m in favour of awarding rosettes for the least imaginative name, such as ‘Ian’ or ‘dog’.’
More recently, though, Mr Jackson has principally awarded marks for irony. ‘An obese owner with a sausage dog will always gain extra points,’ he admitted. ‘In fact, that’s how I chose this year’s winner, a bald and clean shaven man with a hairy, bearded dog. Between the two of them, a mix of bald and hairy, they really were the dog’s bollocks.’
Slante Dangle (hat-tip to Dick Everyman)