Chris Huhne is to launch an audacious escape bid from Wandsworth prison after finding living conditions inside less than satisfactory. The disgraced MP had originally expected a 5-star hotel, but a brief introductory tour of his wing confronted him with the grim reality of a 3-star Belgian Ibis.
‘I fear that my celebrity and boyish good looks will make me an attractive target for the cons in here,’ said the 50-something boy racer. ‘I feel I have no choice but to try and break out before a big, burly inmate tries to break in.’
Huhne’s idea for a series of tunnels was spawned when he discovered a loose brick behind a Sam Fox poster put up by a previous inmate. And the former Energy Secretary expects to receive help from cellmate Colin Blythe, 40, a blind ornithologist serving two years for forgery.
Among Huhne’s grievances with his new residence are restrictions on visitors and his access to European literature, and the lack of a Corby trouser press in his cell. Prison guards have placed him on suicide watch after noticing his prison-issue chess set was missing a bishop, meaning he has absolutely no prospect whatsoever of fianchettoing on the g2 square in the next four months.
‘He intends to name each of the tunnels after his mistresses,’ said Huhne’s cellmate. ‘But I’ve seen the plans for ‘Carina’ and it’s going to bring him out in the middle of a Homebase. He’d better hope they’re not busy.’
For his bid to succeed, Huhne will be relying on his former political friend, Danny Alexander. ‘He’ll be providing the getaway car,’ said Huhne. ‘As soon as I step out of the tunnel he’ll put his foot down and I’ll be aware from here as quickly as possible while respecting the speed limit at all times.’
Asked why he chose Alexander, Huhne explained: ‘He was a shoo-in really. I needed someone I could trust with a clean driving licence.’