Scientists develop formula for ‘the perfect Daily Mail reader comment’

DMGT cuts jobs in tough quarter

Scientists in Stevenage were celebrating last night after developing a formula that provides a ‘perfect Daily Mail reader comment’, guaranteeing the optimum number of green arrows regardless of the article topic in question.

Written out in full the formula reads: A x (B+E+D)v where A equals ‘Assumption the comment won’t be printed due to crazy house rules that try to prevent people speaking the truth’, B ‘blame immigration and the EU’, E ‘the expectation that Tony Blair and Gordon Brown will be celebrating the poor state Britain finds itself in since this was always their intention’, D ‘a determination to leave this sinking ship of a country for Spain where at least people can speak English’ and v ‘Vote UKIP’.

Chief Scientist Damian Luglaw explained that using the formula will save the readers valuable time on venting anger, which can then be invested in researching more things to make them angry or reasons why they are likely to die young. The discovery is likely to significantly improve the quality of life for right-wing nutjobs and ‘ironic’ leftwing students alike.

Asked whether the team would be developing a formula for a Daily Mail comment attracting the maximum number of red arrows, Luglaw claimed at first that this would be unnecessary since submitting any reasoned or well thought out argument is likely to produce this result, although at a press conference given later on in the day he issued the following, seemingly contradictory statement:

‘I doubt any of you will actually print any of this due to the PC brigade stopping us from telling the truth for fear of offending the minorities which have now taken all our jobs and housing and are living in luxury penthouse suites while the rest of us starve to death in OUR OWN COUNTRY but that’s not going to change any time soon unless we leave the EU. I hope you’re happy now Tony Blair and Gordon Brown – this is just what you always dreamed of!!! Anyway, if I do create such a formula it’ll be the last thing I do in this country before leaving and joining a colony of ex-pats in Spain where at least people SPEAK ENGLISH. Vote UKIP.’

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Posted: Mar 23rd, 2013 by

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