BMW has announced that it is seeking to expand its customer base beyond dickheads to include idiots, twats and pillocks as well. As a result, the company’s infamously stringent ‘Dickhead Test’ for prospective purchasers is to be considerably modified.
Unlike its compatriots Audi and Mercedes, who merely encourage their UK buyers to behave like prize bell ends whenever they encounter a less powerful car, BMW has traditionally required all would-be owners to provide documentary evidence that they (a) have an IQ at least 500 times lower than their earnings, (b) regard others as unfit to share the planet with them and (c) have the driving skills of a cocaine addicted meerkat with its paws stapled together. Prospective purchasers who cannot meet these criteria have hitherto been turned away.
According to BMW spokesman Horst Hoffmann in Stuttgart, the 23-year policy of selling cars exclusively to twats has been a textbook example of ‘viral marketing’ by creating the perception that BMW is the only suitable car for braying items of pond life with more money than sense. The company now has a 72% market share among moron drivers in the UK.
‘The staggering success of this policy down the years means that we have almost exhausted the UK dickhead market and we need to branch out,’ said Hoffmann. ‘Therefore, starting in July, BMW will relax the ‘Dickhead Test’ so as also to embrace twats, who are capable of driving properly but choose not to, and pillocks, who are simply too thick to give the issue any thought.’
Jeremy Clarkson apparently made a comment at this point. Fortunately, everyone within a five-mile radius had been forewarned and had already drilled through their own eardrums with a tungsten carbide bit, just in case.