In the wake of financial woes in the Eurozone, it has now been confirmed that Angela Merkel has launched a new German led European ‘Frank Bank’, with handy new services to assist citizens and governments alike in the management of their personal finances. The ethos is reported to be one ‘tough love’, although experts are unsure whether this was misinterpreted from an earlier translation of ‘tough luck’.
Bankers everywhere have been analysing Frank bank’s core values and concurred that this bank is a logical next step in convincing everyone of economic fundamentals that the public have apparently failed to grasp. ‘If one puts money in a bank, it isn’t yours. It’s ours. We will in future allow you pocket money from ‘your’ account. But be aware this is a privilege not a right,’ they all agreed.
Frank Bank is working with the public to ensure that banking services are easily understandable. Instructions on cashpoints in Cyprus have been upgraded with very clear graphics to aid comprehension.
A spokesman disclosed ‘We are planning leaflets that also have a pop-up ‘salute’ logo inside, reinforcing the message, and a television advertising campaign, using the medium of interpretive dance to assist investors in assessing how fucked they are.’ In picking an anthem for the advertising campaign, D-Ream’s ‘Things can only get better’, has been discounted as ‘too sinister’ after what happened to the British with New Labour. Frank Bank is looking at alternatives that are less likely to alarm their prey, or indeed incite violence amongst music lovers.
Asked about their expansion plans, Frank Bank revealed that Merkel, or ‘Der Fury’ as she is lovingly referred to by misty-eyed political followers, has always had a strong regard for the British, and that she has built core values of the bank on principles she observed from her favourite Chancellor, ‘Georgie’.
Inspired by the British government’s recent welfare cleansing initiative, using a shadowy organisation called ‘ATOS’ to free many disabled, infirm or foreign individuals from being a burden to the state, Merkel has decided to ’round up’ some of the disabled and non-Aryan economies.
It is believed by analysts that Ms Merkel has unfinished business with Malta. And Poland.