The temporary affliction suffered by lager drinkers across the country which causes their language to deteriorate rapidly during a pub session has been officially designated as a medical condition to be known as ‘Lager Tourettes’.
A British Medical Council study into a large number of alleged victims has concluded that the condition is a growing problem especially amongst groups of males. The report also points out however that females are not immune, especially in parts of Essex.
“Although we believe that this disease has been prevalent for many years, we are no closer to understanding exactly how it works,”explained BMC spokesman Dr Julian Brown. ‘Some sufferers develop symptoms only after four or five pints of strong lager, while half a pint is enough for others. Remarkably, no matter how much they drink, our findings show that the condition doesn’t seem to appear in anyone who drinks Fosters.’
Treatment of the affliction is at an early stage, with several volunteers undergoing experimental therapies, some of which appear to be more successful than others. One volunteer Darren Simmonds believes that, rather than confirming a cure, he may have helped to uncover another medical condition. ‘Yeah, after last night’s treatment I’m having more tests,’ he said. ‘I can’t remember very much about what happened and they think I might have Scrumpy Dementia.’