Danny Boyle announced last night he was ‘enthusiastic’ about the honour of marking Mrs Thatcher’s passing in Horseguards Parade. And Mrs Thatcher would approve of some of his cost-saving measures . ‘Remember the bit in the Olympic show where we celebrated the NHS with nurses jumping on beds?’ Boyle grins. ‘Well, we’ll use the same beds but they’ll slowly diminish in number, and so will the doctors and nurses. The number of patients will increase, and form an orderly queue for the remaining beds. Mr Richard Branson will be on hand to privatise many of these.’
To mark Section 28 of the Local Government Act, 28 covertly gay Conservative MP’s will be doorstepped and ‘outed’ on big screens provided by SKY TV in a special edition of Surprise Surprise, hosted by Cilla Black, a lifelong Thatcher fan.
‘My favourite bit will be when our huge multicultural cast is forced to separate into black and white sections as a tribute to Mrs T’s steadfast support for South African apartheid. Then the black half will try and re-merge with the white half but some whimsical dancing Immigration Officers won’t let them in,’ said Boyle.
Eyes will be on the skies to watch giant inflatables of some of Thatcher’s heroes. P W Botha, Rupert Murdoch and Augusto Pinochet will grin down on the crowds. The Queen will be lowered to the event in a Westland Helicopter, piloted by Michael Heseltine. Once Her Majesty is safe on the ground, the helicopter will explode above the Thames, heralding the sinking of the Belgrano scene. Mr Heseltine will fall into Horseguards and be killed, impaled on the Mace of the House of Commons. A dead sheep will also fall from the sky and land on Geoffrey Howe, to no visible effect.
Boyle admitted there will be other scenes depicting violence. The Battle of Orgreave will be enthusiastically re-enacted around towns and cities in the north. But officials insisted no horses will be hurt in the Miners’ Strike or Poll Tax riots sequences. The latter will be recreated by the British Olympic dressage squad in police uniform, the rioters and miners played by members of the paralympic team.
Boyle is confident he can rise to the occasion and distil the essence of the Thatcher effect, especially when it comes to financial de-regulation. ‘It’ll start, like her reign did, with a really big bang, and end with a whimper. The bang will come from an Irish pyrotechnic outfit who contacted us saying they’re keen to do the work. The whimper will come from a carefully choreographed line of disgraced bankers returning their knighthoods to the Queen.’