Boffins at the Sellafield nuclear reprocessing plant have been told to halt production of nuclear waste after traces of Asda own-brand corned beef were found in a plutonium sample.
‘It was the nightmare scenario we had all dreaded’ said one Sellafield worker. ‘Asda corned beef might have leaked out. Once those alarms went off, the whole site was shut down, and an area of about fifty square miles was immediately evacuated.’
‘Obviously if it’s uncontaminated plutonium, we just leave it lying around all over the place. I had some in the boot of my car for ages, because I didn’t know which recycling skip to put it in. In the end I just propped it against the green bottle one. Well, they were green by the time I left.’