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Gordon the Gopher reveals historic ‘fisting’ abuse

In a further sinister twist to the ongoing scandal of alleged sexual abuse by former television personalities, Gordon the Gopher has revealed that he was subjected to persistent and degrading episodes of fisting throughout his time working at the BBC in the ’80s and ’90s.

‘It was a different culture back then,’ said the long-time sidekick of Phillip Schofield in a heartbreaking interview. ‘It didn’t seem unnatural that a procession of different people inserted their hands in my arse each day – I just assumed it was part of the job. And it wasn’t only me: Kermit, Fozzy Bear, and Sooty – they all had a hand in it, so to speak.’

‘We were young and we partied a bit,’ went on Gordon, ‘although I didn’t take drugs like Phillip, and drink just went straight through me. The thing is nobody tried to hide anything – except those puppeteers hiding their hands inside me. In hindsight anyone could have seen what was going on if only they’d bothered to look in the right place, which was under the table mostly.’

According to Gordon the Gopher, this culture of sexual depravity was rife in children’s television shows. ‘Apparently Pinky and Perky were really into bondage and always wanted to be tied up with string, and Morph and the entire cast of ‘The Magic Roundabout’ all lacked any real backbone and allowed themselves to be manipulated. Both Orville and Cuddles claimed they would have spoken out about what was going on if Keith Harris hadn’t always put words in their mouths.’

But 20 years later, Gordon is a changed gopher. ‘I’m trying to move on, but it’s difficult when you’re used to someone having their forearm up you. Still, I’m determined to put the whole painful episode behind me, even if that’s essentially what the those puppeteers did in the first place.’

Ian Searle

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Posted: Apr 20th, 2013 by Guest

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