Shocking figures today reveal that the majority of the British public don’t yet give a stuff whether the Duchess of Cambridge’s baby bump is small, medium or large despite enormous media coverage.
The findings come from a national poll which also assesses the public’s reaction to media comments on the buttocks, breasts and other anatomical features of leading figures, from the Archibishop of Canterbury to Angela Merkel.
A spokesman for the Daily Mail expressed shock at the results. ‘The failure to engage with constant scrutiny of the bodies of our Royal Family is a sad indictment of our generation and bodes ill for the future of our nation,’ he wailed. ‘It’s our patriotic duty to give the public every chance to ogle the Duchess with the same mixture of deference, resentment and lust, but mostly lust, that we do. To find out that no-one else cares as much as us, well, it’s heart-breaking really.’
In response to the survey results, the BBC is said to have shelved a 12-part documentary series, entitled ‘Balmorals’ and voiced by David Attenborough, originally commissioned to explore the highly complex and little-understood mating and birthing habits of the Royal Family when observed in its natural habitat.