The successor to Sralex Ferguson as the manager of Manchester United has been chosen via a series of elimination tests, resulting in many hopeful managers losing any chance of ever enjoying ‘the big time’. Throughout the season, a large number of eager applicants with ridiculously over-inflated opinions of their abilities have been trialled but have failed spectacularly, and been summarily dismissed with the chilling words: ‘You’re fired’.
One-by-one, the number of candidates for the job diminished as more and more sackings took place. Steve was very keen but seemed unpopular from the start so it was no surprise when he got the boot, in his face. Henning, Michael and Stale had sky-high ambitions but were otherwise clueless and Neil, also known as Colin, was just an obnoxious, botox-injected, gobby twat, clearly not fit even to plug in Sralex’s famous hairdryer.
Sralex was initially keen on ‘Sparky’ Mark but he failed to win many tasks and suffered a whole series of poor results so he had to go. But Sralex looks for more than results and despite delivering a number of spectacular wins, Roberto soon faced the firing finger too.
The dismissal of Martin, who was once considered to be a strong candidate, was particularly brutal. To Sralex’s question, ‘Why shouldn’t I fire you?’ he replied; ‘I’m passionate and I’m energetic and I love football and I talk a lot and …’ ‘I’ve heard enough,’ interrupted Sralex. ‘You talk a good game but your team is a shambles. Shocking. A waste of money. A bloody disgrace. You’re fired and you can take Titus Bramble with you an’ all.’
Sralex expressed regret at the firings of Brian and Nigel who were thought to have done good jobs in the circumstances but ultimately they too had to go as Sralex honed in on his Apprentice. There were only a few candidates left to face the final episode which featured interviews with two of Sralex’s most-trusted sycophants, Alan Green and Howard Webb.
Tony spoke clearly and used well-constructed sentences which, together with a somewhat robust approach to dealing with talented, creative opposition players, counted against him. Arsene was complimented on his ability to see certain incidents only selectively but ultimately, only one candidate came close to Sralex’s Glaswegian scowl and deep-seated hatred of Liverpool. It was therefore no surprise to hear Sralex say, ‘David, you’re hired.’