Climatologists across the globe have expressed concern that the retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson will result in temperatures being lowered across the planet. The impact of no-hairdrying on match days and the elimination of daily assaults against the BBC is expected to reduce temperatures by around 15 degrees Celsius and may lead to icebergs forming in the Red Sea.
‘Sir Alex’s temper, and indeed his nose, are well known as consumers of vast quantities of energy, and we now fear that his retirement can only be compensated for by allowing extra flights and setting-off the occasional thermo-nuclear bomb, in an effort to avoid global climate change reduction,’ said worried energy secretary Ed Davey.
President Obama has withdrawn his decision to remove all troops and suspend bombings from Iraq and Afghanistan, and is using Air Force One to drop fuel into the Pacific Ocean in an attempt to compensate for the effects of Fergie’s retirement. The measures will continue ‘at least until Alex Salmond starts campaigning again.’