New global financial crisis feared after death of NYSE chimp

happy to work for peanuts, plus $4m bonus

Wall Street was in shock today as news emerged that Buttercup, the chimp who for the last five years has sat behind the big curtain on the New York Stock exchange trading floor pressing the random buttons which control share prices, has died of ennui. The fears reflect all the analysts’ reminders that panic over the death of the previous incumbent, a 23 year old chimpanzee called Groucho, is widely acknowledged to have caused the Global Financial Crisis in 2008.

Lack of federal funding has seen the lab in Nevada where stock-exchange chimps were trained closed down leading to a US in crisis, shares all over the place and, critically, no substitute ‘global powerhouse’ chimp. The issue is so serious that President Obama broke off his engagements involving Afghanistan and the Syrian conflict to assign renowned investor Warren Buffet to lead SEAL Team 6 to the Congo to hunt down a replacement by offering a Green Card, covert financial training and, if necessary, bananas.

Attempts at buying an off-the-shelf, economy-ready chimp from a pet store had been made impossible by the Democratic Ethics Committee who described the acquisition of chimps in this way as a ‘gross manipulation of the animal sales market,’ but suggested that a couple of thousand dollars in cash in a brown envelope could make that problem go away.

Mark Pye, a Wall Street analyst, paid tribute: ‘While Buttercup’s tenure was short, it was a breakthrough for equality that she became the first female chimp to sit behind that big curtain, the first to press those important random buttons which control the economies of half the western world, and did it as well as any male. It’s vitally important that a replacement is found quickly to prevent the catastrophe of 2008 repeating itself, because I have lots of shares to sell.’

In response to the news, the Dow Jones was down 9%, while NASDAQ fell an incredible 14%, but that has been put down as a temporary blip due to the llama that’s standing in being unable to hit only one key at a time.


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Posted: May 12th, 2013 by

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