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Adult entertainment industry mourns death of last man to pay for porn

Adult entertainers throughout the world flocked to a crematorium in south London yesterday to pay their dues to Eric Swell, the last known purchaser of full-price pornography. Germans and Swedes rubbed shoulders in the packed chapel as Mr Swell’s coffin glided through the curtains to the moving strains of ‘slap funk bass incidental 5 – the plumber rings the doorbell’.

Veteran blue movie director Dick Stroker, delivering the funeral address by Skype from California, spoke of the crisis in an industry that, for some years, has existed solely on Mr Swell’s frequent and substantial contributions. ‘This is a terrible blow, so to speak, to all of us on planet porno,’ he said, choking back the tears. ‘Eric’s support was unwavering. His commitment never flagged, so to speak, which was remarkable for a man of his age. I’m not sure what will become of us now he’s watching our two-backs from heaven, as no-one’s paying for that view on earth. It’s incredibly hard to take. So to speak.’

An avid collector and connoisseur of adult film and literature for more than 50 years, Eric Swell steadfastly refused to take advantage of the abundance of free pornography on the internet, saying that to do so would compromise his deeply ingrained principle of ‘paying for the sight of strange’. Swell, 76, died without ever seeing his final purchase, Death By A Thousand Sluts; the Super 8 film reel was found on his bedside table still in its cellophane wrapping.

Mr Swell leaves behind an ex-wife,  three embarrassed children, and strict instructions on how to digitise and distribute his massive porn stash for the benefit of future generations – ‘provided they’ve got a valid credit card’.

sredni vashta

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Posted: May 14th, 2013 by Guest

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