A North Sea haddock has spoken of her anguish after EU rules allowed a callous French fisherman to leave her bringing up two small mermaids on an income of four plankton a week, with no child maintenance payments.
‘To begin with, Jacques was very passionate,’ said the haddock. ‘We grilled, we boiled, we baked – there was even some casserole action. Often he’d just drizzle honey all over me and we’d spit-roast until the early hours. But then he changed, he became cold and impersonal. Suddenly I was ‘too thin’, ‘too young’ or I didn’t look good in ‘fishnets’. How is a single fish like me going to find another partner now?’
The European Parliament is under pressure to take action, as reports of herrings being dumped via text and email remain widespread in Spanish waters. The UK has called for a compromise, and a more sensitive ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ approach to humans choosing to end an aquatic inter-species relationship.
Fisheries minister Richard Benyon said: ‘The EU has a long history of bad breakups, many of which could form the basis of a Taylor Swift song. Just because fish have ‘daddy issues’, the EU should not sanction them being dumped in front of their friends. And telling them that there are “plenty more fish in the sea” is just plain wrong.’