David Cameron has today confirmed that plans for plain cigarette packaging will be reinstated, in an attempt to improve the quality of Conservative party policies.
‘Sod the health of the nation,’ he blustered. ‘This is about ensuring that our primary planning tool has the capacity we need. At the moment it’s a struggle to find much space on a fag packet to formulate policy, what with all those warnings and pictures of diseased lungs. Plain white packets would give us much more room to come up with Queen’s Speeches and Budgets that we don’t need to backtrack on almost instantly. And we wouldn’t have scrapped our plan for plain packaging in the first place if we’d had plain packaging to draw up the plan on.’
Ken Clarke is thought to have offered the government unlimited free cigarettes if it helps the government clarify its legislative agenda, provided that any resulting laws carry the phrase “sponsored by Silk Cut” below the royal crest.
Labour leader Ed Miliband criticised the idea, complaining, ‘Can you imagine New Labour coming up with any policies on the back of a fag packet? Actually, sorry, I should have said, “Can you imagine New Labour coming up with any policies?”.’