Following seven months of careful research into the best way to deliver an efficient and effective fire service, inquiry chair Sir Ken Knight has said that flying robots with lasers and freeze-rays were likely to be more effective than the puffed-out, heavy-drinking, under-paid schmucks we currently rely on to save our bacon when we fall asleep in front of Corrie with a fag in our hand.
The review proposed two models, the first based on localised teams of lovable, yet formidable robots housed in spectacular cliff-side HQs around the coast that would detect emergencies with a super-sense extending many miles.
The second proposal is to centralise detection services nationwide in a single, less mobile robot, several miles high, keeping watch over the citizens of Britain.
Either option could result in huge efficiency savings for the 999 service, and would still offer the full range of fire brigade functions, including fire extinguishment, nagging the public about smoke alarms, and cutting George Michael out of lightly-mangled car wreckage.
Fire service trade unions were initially hostile to the plans, until the review agreed to retain the majority of existing personnel in the vital roles of fire safety in schools, cat-tree rescue, and hen night servicing.
Prime Minister David Cameron welcomed the review, especially for its cost-efficiencies and colourful, imaginative drawings. ‘I can’t wait to see what they propose for the caped crusaders – I mean, police force,’ he said.