Secret UKIP plans to decimate the metric system revealed

Previously unreleased plans left on a beer-mat in a pub where Nigel Farage had been drinking have unveiled the UKIP’s plans to reinvigorate and restore the UK’s traditional Imperial measurement system.

The key proposal is the reintroduction of Pounds, Shillings and Pence (£.s.d), with 240 pence to a “New Old Pound”. To introduce consistency amongst the different measuring systems, the new pound will also weigh exactly one pound, except for a new gold coin, the troy pound, which will be slightly heavier and worth 264 new old pence. The nautical pound (276 new old pence) will be the official currency for use on cross-channel ferries.

The name ‘Bob’ will be revived as a friendly name for the Shilling (12 pence), but in order to bring the system fully up to date new coins are also being added: the Dave (16 pence), the Arthur (half a dave) and the Nigel (one and a third guineas). The Bakers Shilling (13 pence) will also be minted as a new coin for bread purchases. A general concern about metric creep into English society is being addressed by the ban of the percentage, to be replaced by the perscore (values out of a maximum of 20).

In distance, the furlong has in recent years been relegated almost exclusively to horse racing. In order to increase the relevance of this unit in the real world, the UKIP will add two new measurements, the furmedium (8/14ths of a furlong) and the furshort (9/16ths of a furmedium).  A measurement still in common usage without official designation, the phuckton, will be adopted and defined as one hundred and forty four (long) hundredweight. The dangerously metric short-hundredweight is redefined as 96 pounds.

The Home Secretary dismissed the proposals out of hand, saying that Nigel Farage was exaggerating the problem of ‘metric creep’. ‘Give him a centimetre and he’ll take a kilometre’ she said.


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Posted: Jun 1st, 2013 by

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