In the last year, toilet seats have been pitched against train seats, make up bags, chopping boards and toothbrushes in a series of competitions to judge which is more germ-free. And despite the strength of the opposition, toilet seats have come up trumps in every bout. As the bottom-centric furniture put together something of a run in the Bacterial Cup, the town of Twyford (home of the toilet seat) got cup fever.
But that run was expected to come to an end last night, when they draw an away game against a National Health Operating Theatre. The few fans that made the trek to Guys Hospital in London didn’t expect much – many were treating it as a jaunt. William Hill made the Operating Theatre, with its history of cleanliness and procedure, the firm favourite to go through to the next round. But the Bacterial Cup has a history of upsets, and when the operating theatre accidentally let in an influx of MRSA, an upset was on the cards. As long as the toilet seat could remain absent of pathogens for 90 minutes, it could pull off a legendary victory.
At the final whistle, exuberant fans began chucking toilet rolls (many of them unused) onto the pitch and the home team’s operating theatre was invaded by men with their trousers down. Lead surgeon Dr Tim Cox took it in good heart, ‘It’s nothing I haven’t seen before. Let them enjoy their moment of triumph.’
Now Britain’s toilet seats are in unknown territory. They’ve never been this far in the competition before – ‘I might get a nose bleed’ said one fan – and it’s not impossible that Britain’s toilet seats could be anointed as ‘The Cleanest Surface in Britain’.