After reports from a whistle blower about strange things happening in the skies above Britain which has finally led members of the public to look up and say ‘Crikey!’ Foreign Secretary William Hague made it clear today that voters should not be worried by the partially constructed space station increasing in size each night in the sky above Slough.
‘What? That old thing? Nothing to worry about at all,’ he reassured the nation. ‘In fact, it should make everyone feel much, much safer. I mean, just look at it.’
With concerns being raised about what the planet-sized object can actually do a spokesmen for the Foreign Office said: “Yes, we admit that it does have enormous firepower, but law-abiding Britons will in no way be targeted by the proposed super laser. Ooops, I’ve said too much, that’s supposed to be a secret.’ Covering his tracks, he insisted that it would “defeat the object” to give too much away about how the Death Star was built and operates as it might reveal small, thermal exhaust ports which could be exploited by terrorists, criminal networks or rebellious X-wing fighters.
Once operational, the Death Star, or to give it its officially benign codename of ‘Mr Fluffy’, will be governed by a very strong legal framework aimed at protecting the public and based on the whims of Peter Cushing look-alike Norman Tebbit.
Mr Hague refused to confirm or deny claims the Death Star had access to Google Maps, Apple Apps or Facebook ‘likes’ as part of its targeting software. The suggestion that the Coalition had circumvented the law and local building regulations, was using the Death Star to monitor inappropriate behaviour that had been photographed and posted to Instagram or Tumblr, or seeking out enemies of the state based on poor iTunes judgment were dismissed as alarmist, but entirely true.
Particularly vociferous concerns about this sort of surveillance by security services have been received from citizens on the planet of Alderaan who’ve apparently ‘seen it all before’, but Mr. Hague assured reporters that these voices of discontent would soon be silenced.