Exploratory abdominal surgery on the Duke of Edinburgh has exposed gas reserves much ‘bigger than first thought’. The operation, under general anaesthetic, has revealed upwards of 170 trillion cubic feet of natural gas and will pave the way for the licensing to exploit further Royals.
A representative of the Bilderberg group, which met earlier this week, said: ‘We are very excited about finding alternative sources of energy. For a long time now, we’ve been trying to convert the hopes and dreams of the working class into electricity. Unfortunately that proved to be a much smaller resource than was previously thought. Recently we’d turned our attention to tidal power, harnessing the tears of children, but it’s so hard to keep them motivated.’
There are some concerns that Prince Philip may experience discomfort having water and sand pumped into him at high pressure. Environmentalists argue that the fracking process may create constitutional tremors and cause damage to areas of outstanding natural beauty like Pippa Middleton’s ‘whoopie cakes’. The chief executive of IGas, explained that the UK must avoid becoming dependent on foreign resources. ‘That’s why plans are afoot to melt the Queen down for gold, use Prince Charles’ hot air to run a turbine farm and rumour has it Prince Harry is a ‘diamond geezer’, so expect some serious drilling there.’