Bilderberg ‘basically just Animal House’, claims insider

Welcome to Watford, you'll never leave

Departing attendees have expressed disappointment that the rules of secrecy around this year’s Bilderberg Conference have been broken, after an anonymous whistle-blower told the media that despite concerns that the group was there to manipulate global affairs, the weekend had actually been like ‘one long frat party’.

The attendee claimed that whilst he had been expecting agenda-setting discussions with the world’s most powerful people in strategically important Watford, UK, the weekend had in fact consisted of drinking competitions, semi-nudity and bizarre initiation rituals. ‘When I received my invitation, right at the top it said “What goes on at Bilderberg, stays at Bilderberg”, but I had no idea it would essentially be a high powered stag do,’ he moaned.

The opening formal sit-down meal quickly degenerated into an undignified melee, according to the source, as the appointed ‘King of the Berg’ for the weekend, Eric Schmidt of Google, sat in a raised throne overlooking the debauchery. ‘Every time he sounded a horn they brought another round of drinks. To be honest, by 9pm I was already pretty wasted. And that was even before the ‘It’s A Global Conspiracy Knockout’ contest started.’

The whistle-blower also claimed to have suffered personal injury when challenged to an arm wrestle by former US Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. ‘I had just arrived and I thought he was reaching to shake my hand. Next thing I knew he had me on the floor begging for mercy, backed up by a team of Navy Seals. He did this to a lot of the guests.’

‘None of the expected discussions took place,’ he added. ‘How was I supposed to talk with Christine Lagarde about restructuring Third World debt when she is trying to out sing the Japanese Prime Minister at strip karaoke?’

In one hazing ritual, Jeff Bezos of Amazon was seen passing a balloon, filled with vodka, between his knees to UK Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls, ‘but Balls dropped it and his punishment was to drink the contents,’ claimed the source. Balls was last seen at 4am on Sunday night driving a golf cart erratically in the direction of Watford city centre in search of someone else’s policies.

The source added that after 24 hours of continuous drinking, he decided to make his excuses and leave. ‘The last straw came when I saw Bill Gates chasing the Dutch Prime Minister around the outdoor pool, whipping him with a wet towel and shouting at him to take back something he’d said about Windows Vista. But that turned out well, and five minutes later they were at the pool bar hugging each other and trying to encourage onlookers into an impromptu performance of ‘Gangnam Style’.’

Brushing aside the criticisms and revelling in the perceived importance of what they’d been up to, all the other delegates agreed to ‘scare the shit out of the general public’ all over again, same time, next year.

Andrew Alexander

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Posted: Jun 10th, 2013 by

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