Kepler space telescope finally locates Alex Jones’s home planet

After years of intensive searching, prompted by growing numbers of people asking ‘what f*cking planet’ Alex Jones is from, NASA believes it has finally located the shock-jock’s native celestial body.

‘We knew that we could immediately rule out anything within our solar system, plus most of the more sensible-looking objects surrounding nearby stars.’ said a NASA spokesman.

‘It wasn’t until recently, however, that we spotted a potential candidate in a highly erratic orbit around an incredibly dim star, right on the outer fringes of our galaxy. You could say the whole system was sort of being held at ‘outer-spiral-arm’s length’, which was our first clue that this could be the one.’

‘Once found, we decided to monitor it, and that’s when our suspicions were confirmed. As soon as it realised someone was looking at it, it started behaving even more mentally. It was absolute proof. Anyway, it got on our tits after a while so we just looked away.’

NASA has however retained the coordinates and will soon launch a mission to return Alex Jones ‘home’. ‘We’ll be launching him in the next few days, just as soon as his projected flight path affords a close flyby of the moon,’ said the spokesman. ‘That way, he can get a good look at where we didn’t fake the f*cking moon landings.’

Share this story...

Posted: Jun 11th, 2013 by

Click for more article by ..

© 2016 NewsBiscuit | Powered by Deluxe Corporation | Stories (RSS) | T & C | Privacy | Disclaimer