With full support from his advisors in his boardroom, Stephen Hester, or King Tut Tut the Third of RBS, has decreed that 2,000 former servants from the bank’s investment arm be slaughtered and buried alongside him in a specially designed pyramid, with a wall separating them from his own tomb, his severance pay and benefits worth £1.6m, another £4m in shares and what’s left over from all those other bonuses.
BBC Economics correspondent Stephanie Powers said: “RBS are playing up the positives of Mr Hester’s departure, chief amongst them being the fact that he’s going, but it hasn’t gone unnoticed that of the 41,000 staff axed from RBS since 2008, these are the first to have a clause in their redundancy notice about being compulsorily embalmed. It hasn’t gone down well.’
The RBS employees, who will be selected at random, will start being mummified and stored later this year in preparation for Mr Hester’s eventual passing to the spirit world. Once he arrives, these employees will serve him in the afterlife, efficiently deflecting criticism of the management from beyond the grave and insisting there’s no point passing anything on to the line manager as he’s dead and peacefully mummifying in the room next door.
While in the short term Hester’s departure will create even greater fear, uncertainty and dread for those left behind at the bank, RBS insists that more jobs will be created in the long term, in line with its Welfare to Work targets. At least 100,000 workers will be needed for the construction of King Stephen’s final resting place, a 480ft edifice made entirely of 24-carat gold in Edinburgh’s South Gyle, with many workers expected to die from overwork and exhaustion as they struggle to become RBS employee of the month.
Reflecting on the recent turmoil at the bank and hinting at a brighter future if they can only get over the current problems, and quickly, RBS chairman Sir Peter Philpott sat on Chancellor George Osborne’s knee and said: “I have seen the plans for this magnificent structure and it really is a splendid and fitting monument to Stephen’s highly valued work for the bank. If I were in his shoes, I couldn’t be dead fast enough.”