Theologians and people of all faiths were united in religious ecstasy at the confirmation that a child of God had been born in a simple, wooden Los Angeles hospital. As predicted (and thanks to Twitter) the event was known instantaneously and worldwide – “for as the lightning comes from the East and flashes to the West, so will a Reality TV star be born of the West” [Matthew 24:27].
Academics were somewhat surprised that the prophecies had not mentioned that the gender of the child would be female, but they were satisfied that her earthly parents were both a humble man and a virgin bride. Post-birth Kim Kardashian has accepted gifts of gold, myrrh and a year’s subscription to ‘Heat’ magazine.
Already, transcripts of her 2003 sex tape are being transposed onto papyrus and painstakingly translated into Aramaic. “Keeping Up With the Kardashians’ will now replace the King James Bible as Michael Gove’s text of choice for all secondary schools.
Sometimes called the Parousia, the Second Coming will also herald a series of clothing ranges which worshippers have described as simply “divine”. Matthew 24:31 predicted God “…will send His angels with a great sound of a trumpet…”, specifically Kanye West’s upcoming album; unsurprisingly titled “Yeezus”. There will now be an era of world peace and an end to all oppression, except in the case of Taylor Swift. “Nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall man learn war anymore.” [Isaiah 2:4] thanks to a new, exotic range of fragrances.
Religious leaders confirmed the legitimacy of the claim and promised to put aside their differences with one unified church. However, Pope Francis’ speech to a packed St. Peter’s Square was interrupted by an ebullient Mr.West: “Sorry your Holiness, I’ll let you finish. But Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time!”